I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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