I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
