This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
