I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
