I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
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We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
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There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.