So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.