just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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