Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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