So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
