you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
