Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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