No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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