We won't sleep together?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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