the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
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New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
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No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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