I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
