Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the day after is always just damage control
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
