T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
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So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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