If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
