well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
my being single is dangerous.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
