i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
