do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
