My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
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$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
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It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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