Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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