btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
