Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
