Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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