Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
