Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
