i barfeds in our rink
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
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I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
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Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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