New invention idea: vibrating tampons
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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