I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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