There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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