im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
