I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
