his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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