i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
