Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
