I skipped work to stalk him.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
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You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
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I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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