Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
