How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
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Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
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I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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