i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
