Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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