I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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