i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize