We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
