i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
