He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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