Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
