Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
