the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
