Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
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So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
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Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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