I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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