I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
