If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Found the puke drawer
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
