Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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