I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
