the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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