Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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