I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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